Shaun of the Dead is a very funny zombie movie .
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Ed: Can I get… any of you cunts… a drink?
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Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no “I” in team, but there is an “I” in pie. And there’s an “i” in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team… I don’t know what he’s talking about.
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Ed: I’ve got nothing.
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Shaun: Ohh, for God’s sake! He’s got an arm off!
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Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?
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Shaun: What’s the matter, David? Never taken a shortcut before?
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Ed: Don’t forget to kill Phillip!
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Liz: If I don’t do something, I’m going to end up going into that pub every night for the rest of my life like the rest of those sad old fuckers, drinking myself to death and wondering what the hell happened.
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Ed: Any zombies out there?
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Phillip: I’m perfectly alright, Barbara. I ran it under a cold tap.
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Barbara: It’s been a funny sort of day, hasn’t it?
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Various: You’ve got red on you.
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Shaun: Would anyone like… a peanut?
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David: I’m not the one being unreasonable, pickle!
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Ed: Yeeaah, boy!
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Shaun: Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Phil - “Sorry.” - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?
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Ed: It’s not hip-hop, it’s electro… prick. Next time I see him, he’s dead.
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Jeremy Thompson: It’s just not something you ever expect to have to say on air: “removing the head or destroying the brain”. Extraordinary.
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Shaun: Fuck-A-Doodle-Doo
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Ed: I love his mum too.
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Shaun: Okay. But dogs CAN look up!
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Shaun: Stop telling me to chill out!
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Ed: WE’RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBRA!
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David: We’re in a pub! What’re we going to do now?
Ed: We could get a round in?
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Shaun: Mum, what if I told you that on several occasions, he touched me… That was made up, not true, shouldn’t have said that.
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Radio Newscaster: The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups in proclaiming the phenomenon ‘a sign of the coming apocalypse’, although Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate.
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Jeremy Thompson: In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.
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Shaun: Ah! Sorry, Pete, sorry… listen, we’re gonna borrow your car, okay, hope you don’t mind and - ah - later on, if you’re feeling better, w-we’re going down to the pub, so you’re m-more than welcome to, to… join us.
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Ed: There’s a girl in the garden. In the garden, there’s a girl.
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David: For a hero, you’re quite a hypocrite!
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Pete: That was five years ago. When’s he going home?
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Ed: Oi! Prick!
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Ed: You believe everything you hear on TV?
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Pete: Sort your fucking life out, Shaun!
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Pete: And the front door is open… again!!!!
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Ed: I fucking knew it!
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Shaun: If you get cornered…
Shaun: …bash ‘em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
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Liz: CAN WE PLEASE… JUST CALM… THE FUCK… DOWN!
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Ed: Big Al says so.
Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al says dogs can’t look up!
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Pete: No, it’s not. It’s fucking Sunday. And I’ve got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours ‘cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY?
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Shaun: We take Pete’s car, go around mum’s, go in, deal with Phillip - “Sorry Phillip!” - grab mum, go to Liz’s, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
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Shaun: Don’t point that gun at my mum!
Ed: Don’t point that gun at Barbara!
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Shaun: Look, I don’t care what the telly says, all right? We *have* to get out of here. If we don’t they’ll tear us to pieces, and that is really going to exacerbate things for all of us.
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Barbara: Some men tried to get into the house.
Shaun: Well are they still there?
Barbara: I’m not sure, we’ve shut the curtains.
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Shaun: Come and get it! It’s a running buffet!
Shaun: All you can eat!
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Ed: I’m sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It’s OK.
Ed: No, I’m *sorry*, Shaun.
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Shaun: Oh, God, that’s rotten!
Ed: I’ll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
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Ed: You didn’t tell me Barbara had a Jag. I’ve always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun: Yeah, well, it’s Philip’s, okay? He won’t let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed: Fuck. It’s gorgeous.
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Dianne: I don’t think he’d leave us, Davs.
David: Wouldn’t he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It’s… This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do?
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Ed: Has she been bitten?
Shaun: No, but Phillip has.
Ed: Oh, OK.
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Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Philip: Safety first, Shaun.
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Shaun: Now, as well as, er, Mr. Sloane being off today, I’m afraid Ash is, er, feeling a little bit, erm, under the weather. So I will be taking charge as the, erm…
Noel: …oldest…
Shaun: …senior staff member.
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Shaun: They still out there?
Ed: Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun: Have a sit down?
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Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, “The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.” I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won’t say anything.
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David: What are we going to eat?
Dianne: Toasties!
David: Great. Saved by nibbles.
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Ed: Do you want your messages?
Shaun: What?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun: *What*?
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Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don’t go up there!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.
Ed: Well, how come he didn’t drive? His keys are still here.
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Shaun: You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I’ve spent my whole life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I’m not going to let it happen any more. OK? Not today!
Liz: Shaun!
Shaun: What?
Shaun: Oh.