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Andy Dufresne: It’s my life. Don’t you understand? IT’S MY LIFE!
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Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
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Warden Samuel Norton: I want him found. Not tomorrow, not after breakfast - *now*.
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Red: I like to think the last thing that went through his head - other than that bullet - was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.
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Brooks: Dear Fellas, I can’t believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid but now they’re everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.
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Red: There must be a con like me in every prison in America. I’m the guy who can get it for you. Cigarettes, a bag of reefer if that’s your thing, a bottle of brandy to celebrate your kid’s high school graduation, damn near anything within reason. Yes sir, I’m a regular Sears and Roebuck.
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Andy Dufresne: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. -

Captain Hadley: What is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?
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Red: The guard simply didn’t notice. Neither did I. I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a man’s shoes?
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Warden Samuel Norton: Lord! It’s a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind!
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Andy Dufresne: She was beautiful. God I loved her. I just didn’t know how to show it, that’s all. I killed her, Red. I didn’t pull the trigger, but I drove her away. And that’s why she died, because of me.
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Floyd: Red, I do believe you’re talking out of your ass.
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Andy Dufresne: All I ask is three beers apiece for each of my co-workers…I think a man workin’ outdoors feels more like a man if he can have a bottle of suds. That’s only my opinion.
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Captain Hadley: If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary. Every last motherfucker in here.
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Red: Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’. That’s god-damn right. For the second time in my life, I am guilty of committing a crime. Parole violation. Of course, I doubt they’ll toss up any roadblocks for that. Not for an old crook like me.
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Warden Samuel Norton: I believe in two things - discipline and the Bible. Here you’ll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord. Your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank.
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Red: There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It’s just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.
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Captain Hadley: You’re gonna look real funny sucking my dick with no teeth.
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Andy Dufresne: Mr. Hadley, do you trust your wife? Because if you do trust her, there’s no reason you can’t keep that thirty-five thousand…If you want to keep all that money, give it to your wife. The IRS allows a one-time only gift to your spouse for up to sixty thousand dollars…tax-free…you do need someone to set up the tax-free gift for ya, and it’ll cost ya, a lawyer for example…I suppose I could set it up for ya. That would save you some money. You get the forms, I’ll prepare them for ya, nearly free of charge.
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Red: I must admit, I didn’t think much of Andy first time I laid eyes on him. Looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.
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Brooks: Son, six wardens have been through here in my tenure, and I’ve learned one immutable, universal truth: Not one of them born whose asshole wouldn’t pucker up tighter than a snare drum when you ask them for funds.
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Red: I have had some long nights in stir. Alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade… That was the longest night of my life…
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Warden Samuel Norton: You are convicted felons. That’s why they sent you to me. Rule Number One: No blasphemy. I’ll not have the Lord’s name taken in vain in my prison. The other rules you’ll figure out as you go along.
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Red: All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock-hammer damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a man six hundred years to tunnel through a wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty.
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Andy Dufresne: What you hear isn’t half of it. He’s got scams you haven’t even dreamed of. Kickbacks on his kickbacks. There’s a river of dirty money running through this place…I channel it, filter it, funnel it - Stocks, securities, tax-free municipals - I send that money out into the real world and when it comes back…by the time Norton retires, I will have made him a millionaire.
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Red: His first night in the joint, Andy Dufresne cost me two packs of cigarettes. He never made a sound.
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Warden Samuel Norton: Lord! It’s a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind. Nothin’ left but some damn rocks on the window sill and that cupcake on the wall. Let’s ask her. Maybe she knows. What say there, fussy-britches. Feel like talkin’? Oh, guess not. Why should she be any different? This is a conspiracy. That’s what this is. It’s one big damn conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. Including her!
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Red: Geology is the study of pressure and time. That’s all it takes, really. Pressure and time. That and the big god-damn poster. Like I said, in prison, a man’ll do most anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Andy’s favorite hobby was totin’ his wall out into the exercise yard a handful at a time.
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Andy Dufresne: He’s a phantom, an apparition, second cousin to Harvey the rabbit. I conjured him out of thin air. He doesn’t exist, except on paper…Mr. Stephens has a birth certificate, driver’s license, social security number…
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Red: I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I’d like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can’t be expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a grey place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.
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Warden Samuel Norton: Salvation lies within.
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Andy Dufresne: I was in the path of the tornado… I just didn’t expect the storm would last as long as it has.
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Andy Dufresne: I understand you’re a man who knows how to get things.
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Red: Same old shit, different day
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Heywood: I ain’t seen such a sorry lookin’ heap o’ maggot shit in all my life.
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Tommy Williams: So I’m backing out the door, right, and I got the TV, like this; it was a big old thing, I couldn’t see shit; suddenly I hear this voice, “Police, kid, hands in the air.” You know, I was standing there, holdin’ on to that TV, so finally the voice says, “You hear what I said, boy?” And I say, “Yes sir, I sure did, but if I drop this fucking thing you got me on destruction of property too.”
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Red: And that’s how it came to pass, that on the second-to-last day of the job, the convict crew that tarred the plate factory roof in the spring of ‘49 wound up sitting in a row at ten o’clock in the morning, drinking icy cold Bohemia-style beer, courtesy of the hardest screw that ever walked a turn at Shawshank State Prison…The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous. We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the Lords of all Creation. As for Andy, he spent that break hunkered in the shade, a strange little smile on his face, watching us drink his beer…You could argue he’d done it to curry favor with the guards, or maybe make a few friends among us cons. Me? I think he did it just to feel normal again, if only for a short while.
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Captain Hadley: Uncle Sam. Reaching into your shirt and squeezing your tit till it’s purple.
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Red: He’s just institutionalized…The man’s been in here fifty years, Heywood, fifty years. This is all he knows. In here, he’s an important man, he’s an educated man. Outside he’s nothin’ - just a used-up con with arthritis in both hands. Probably couldn’t get a library card if he tried…these walls are funny. First you hate ‘em, then you get used to ‘em. Enough time passes, it gets so you depend on ‘em. That’s ‘institutionalized’…They send you here for life and that’s exactly what they take, the part that counts anyway.
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Andy Dufresne: The funny thing is, on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.
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Red: Things went on like that for a while. Prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him. Sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Andy. That was his routine.
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Red: I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
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Andy Dufresne: Sir, if I were ever to get out, I would never mention what goes on in here. I’d be just as indictable as you for laundering that money.
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Red: I could see why some of the boys took him for snobby. He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn’t normal around here. He strolled, like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world. Like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place. Yeah, I think it would be fair to say I liked Andy from the start.
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Andy Dufresne: It’s a little place on the Pacific Ocean. You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific? They say it has no memory. That’s where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory. Open up a little hotel right on the beach. Buy some worthless old boat and fix it up new. Take my guests out charter fishing…You know, in a place like that, I could use a man that knows how to get things.
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Red: The first night’s the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell, when those bars slam home, that’s when you know it’s for real. Old life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. Most new fish come close to madness the first night. Somebody always breaks down crying. Happens every time. The only question is, who’s it gonna be? It’s as good a thing to bet on as any, I guess. I had my money on Andy Dufresne. I remember my first night. Seems like a long time ago.
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Andy Dufresne: There’s a big hayfield up near Buxton…One in particular. It’s got a long rock wall, a big oak tree at the north end. It’s like something out of a Robert Frost poem. It’s where I asked my wife to marry me. We went there for a picnic and made love under that oak and I asked and she said yes. Promise me, Red. If you ever get out, find that spot. In the base of that wall, you’ll find a rock that has no earthly business in a Maine hayfield. A piece of black, volcanic glass. There’s something buried under it I want you to have.
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Red: The man likes to play chess; let’s get him some rocks.
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Red: That tall drink of water with the silver spoon up his ass.
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Boggs: Hey, we all need friends in here. I could be a friend to you.
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Red: Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine. Or maybe I just don’t want to. Five hundred yards. That’s the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.
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Red: Thirty years I’ve been asking permission to piss. I can’t squeeze a drop without say-so. Women, too, that’s the other thing. I forgot they were half the human race. There’s women everywhere, every shape and size. I find myself semi-hard most of the time, cursing myself for a dirty old man. Not a brassiere to be seen, nipples poking out at the world. Jeezus, pleeze-us. Back in my day, a woman out in public like that would have been arrested and given a sanity hearing.
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Andy Dufresne: Dear Red, If you’re reading this, you’ve gotten out. And if you’ve come this far, maybe you’re willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don’t you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I’ll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Andy.
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Red: Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. Andy Dufresne, headed for the Pacific. Those of us who knew him best talk about him often. I swear the stuff he pulled. Sometimes it makes me sad, though, Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.
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Red: All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole so maybe they’d send me back. Terrible thing to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense. Where I won’t have to be afraid all the time. Only one thing stops me. A promise I made to Andy.
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Fat Ass: You don’t understand, I’m not supposed to be here!
Captain Hadley: I’m not gonna to count to three. I’m not even gonna count to one. You will shut the FUCK up or I’ll sing you a lullaby!
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Prisoner: When do we eat?
Captain Hadley: You eat when we say you eat. You shit when we say you shit. You piss when we say you piss. You got that, you maggot dick motherfucker?
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Warden Samuel Norton: Do you enjoy working in the laundry?
Andy Dufresne: No sir, not especially.
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Red: You’re gonna fit right in. Everyone in here is innocent, you know that? Heywood, what you in here for?
Heywood: Didn’t do it. Lawyer fucked me.
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Fat Ass: I don’t belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!
Another Prisoner: I had your mother, she wasn’t that great!
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Warden Samuel Norton: The roof of the license-plate factory needs resurfacing. I need a dozen volunteers for a week’s work. As you know, special detail carries with it special privledges.
Red: It was outdoor detail - and May is one damn fine month to be working outdoors.
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Captain Hadley: What the Christ is this happy horseshit?
Prisoner: Hey, he took the Lord’s name in vain! I’m tellin’ the warden!
Captain Hadley: You’ll be tellin’ the warden about my baton up your ass!

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Ed: Can I get… any of you cunts… a drink?
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Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no “I” in team, but there is an “I” in pie. And there’s an “i” in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team… I don’t know what he’s talking about.
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Ed: I’ve got nothing.
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Shaun: Ohh, for God’s sake! He’s got an arm off!
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Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?
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Shaun: What’s the matter, David? Never taken a shortcut before?
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Ed: Don’t forget to kill Phillip!
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Liz: If I don’t do something, I’m going to end up going into that pub every night for the rest of my life like the rest of those sad old fuckers, drinking myself to death and wondering what the hell happened.
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Ed: Any zombies out there?
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Phillip: I’m perfectly alright, Barbara. I ran it under a cold tap.
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Barbara: It’s been a funny sort of day, hasn’t it?
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Various: You’ve got red on you.
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Shaun: Would anyone like… a peanut?
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David: I’m not the one being unreasonable, pickle!
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Ed: Yeeaah, boy!
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Shaun: Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Phil - “Sorry.” - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?
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Ed: It’s not hip-hop, it’s electro… prick. Next time I see him, he’s dead.
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Jeremy Thompson: It’s just not something you ever expect to have to say on air: “removing the head or destroying the brain”. Extraordinary.
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Shaun: Fuck-A-Doodle-Doo
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Ed: I love his mum too.
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Shaun: Okay. But dogs CAN look up!
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Shaun: Stop telling me to chill out!
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Ed: WE’RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBRA!
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David: We’re in a pub! What’re we going to do now?
Ed: We could get a round in?
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Shaun: Mum, what if I told you that on several occasions, he touched me… That was made up, not true, shouldn’t have said that.
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Radio Newscaster: The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups in proclaiming the phenomenon ‘a sign of the coming apocalypse’, although Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate.
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Jeremy Thompson: In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.
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Shaun: Ah! Sorry, Pete, sorry… listen, we’re gonna borrow your car, okay, hope you don’t mind and - ah - later on, if you’re feeling better, w-we’re going down to the pub, so you’re m-more than welcome to, to… join us.
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Ed: There’s a girl in the garden. In the garden, there’s a girl.
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David: For a hero, you’re quite a hypocrite!
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Pete: That was five years ago. When’s he going home?
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Ed: Oi! Prick!
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Ed: You believe everything you hear on TV?
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Pete: Sort your fucking life out, Shaun!
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Pete: And the front door is open… again!!!!
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Ed: I fucking knew it!
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Shaun: If you get cornered…
Shaun: …bash ‘em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
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Liz: CAN WE PLEASE… JUST CALM… THE FUCK… DOWN!
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Ed: Big Al says so.
Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al says dogs can’t look up!
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Pete: No, it’s not. It’s fucking Sunday. And I’ve got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours ‘cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY?
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Shaun: We take Pete’s car, go around mum’s, go in, deal with Phillip - “Sorry Phillip!” - grab mum, go to Liz’s, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
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Shaun: Don’t point that gun at my mum!
Ed: Don’t point that gun at Barbara!
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Shaun: Look, I don’t care what the telly says, all right? We *have* to get out of here. If we don’t they’ll tear us to pieces, and that is really going to exacerbate things for all of us.
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Barbara: Some men tried to get into the house.
Shaun: Well are they still there?
Barbara: I’m not sure, we’ve shut the curtains.
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Shaun: Come and get it! It’s a running buffet!
Shaun: All you can eat!
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Ed: I’m sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It’s OK.
Ed: No, I’m *sorry*, Shaun.
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Shaun: Oh, God, that’s rotten!
Ed: I’ll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
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Ed: You didn’t tell me Barbara had a Jag. I’ve always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun: Yeah, well, it’s Philip’s, okay? He won’t let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed: Fuck. It’s gorgeous.
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Dianne: I don’t think he’d leave us, Davs.
David: Wouldn’t he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It’s… This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do?
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Ed: Has she been bitten?
Shaun: No, but Phillip has.
Ed: Oh, OK.
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Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Philip: Safety first, Shaun.
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Shaun: Now, as well as, er, Mr. Sloane being off today, I’m afraid Ash is, er, feeling a little bit, erm, under the weather. So I will be taking charge as the, erm…
Noel: …oldest…
Shaun: …senior staff member.
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Shaun: They still out there?
Ed: Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun: Have a sit down?
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Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, “The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.” I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won’t say anything.
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David: What are we going to eat?
Dianne: Toasties!
David: Great. Saved by nibbles.
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Ed: Do you want your messages?
Shaun: What?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun: *What*?
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Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don’t go up there!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.
Ed: Well, how come he didn’t drive? His keys are still here.
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Shaun: You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I’ve spent my whole life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I’m not going to let it happen any more. OK? Not today!
Liz: Shaun!
Shaun: What?
Shaun: Oh.

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Neville: I need a minute. I just … I was saving that bacon. I was saving it.

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Neville: Good morning, Hank!

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Anna: Ethan, put the knife down.

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Marley: Mommy look, it’s a butterfly!

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Neville: My name is Robert Neville. I am a survivor living in New York City. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the South Street Seaport everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there… if anyone is out there… I can provide food, I can provide shelter, I can provide security. If there’s anybody out there… anybody… please. You are not alone.

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Neville: What the hell are you doing out here, Fred?! What the..what the hell are you — No! NO!! NO!!

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Neville: This is Ground Zero. This is my site. I can fix. I can fix this.

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Neville: God didn’t do this, Anna. We did.

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Neville: Nothing happened the way it was supposed to happen. We are seeing mutations. Cannabalistic hunger. Typical human behavior is now entirely absent.

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Neville: Day one thousand and one. We came in close contact with a hive today. Blood tests confirm that I remain immune to both the airborne and contact strains. Canines remain immune to airborne strain only. The vaccine trials continue. I’m still unable to transfer my immunity to infected hosts. The Krippen Virus is… elegant.

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Neville: All right, let me tell you about your “God’s plan”. Six billion people on Earth when the infection hit. KV had a ninety-percent kill rate, that’s five point four billion people dead. Crashed and bled out. Dead. Less than one-percent immunity. That left twelve million healthy people, like you, me, and Ethan. The other five hundred and eighty-eight million turned into your dark seekers, and then they got hungry and they killed and fed on everybody. Everybody! Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!

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Neville: Behavioral note - an infected male exposed himself to sunlight today. Now it’s possible decreased brain function or growing scarcity of food is causing them to… ignore their basic survival instincts.

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Neville: He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate… literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people’s lives. When he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, a gunman came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. When they asked him why - He said, “The people, who were trying to make this world worse… are not taking a day off. How can I? Light up the darkness.”

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Neville: Eat your vegetables. Don’t just push ‘em around, eat ‘em. I ain’t playin’!

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Neville: Please say hello to me.

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Anna: You’re not so good with people anymore, are you?

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Anna: The world is quieter now. We just have to listen. If we listen, we can hear God’s plan.

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Neville: There’s no survivor’s colony, no safe zone. Nothing happened the way it was supposed to happen. Nothing worked the way it was supposed to work.

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Neville: I can help. I can fix this. Let me save you. I can save you; I can save everybody.

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Neville: I… I promised a friend I would say hello to you today.

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Neville: What should I say? You wanna see some infected rats?
Neville: I’ll say hello tommorrow.

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Neville: You can’t go running into the dark.

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Anna: In 2009, a deadly virus burned through our civilization, pushing humankind to the edge of extinction. Dr. Robert Neville dedicated his life to the discovery of a cure and the restoration of humanity. On September 9th, 2012, at approximately 8:49 P.M., he discovered that cure. And at 8:52, he gave his life to defend it. We are his legacy. This is his legend. Light up the darkness.

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TV Personality: The world of medicine has seen its share of miracle cures, from the polio vaccine to heart transplants. But all past achievements may pale in comparison to the work of Dr. Alice Krippin. Thank you so much for joining us this morning.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Not at all.
TV Personality: So, Dr. Krippin, give it to me in a nutshell.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Well, the premise is quite simple - um, take something designed by nature and reprogram it to make it work for the body rather than against it.
TV Personality: You’re talking about a virus?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Indeed, yes. In this case the measles, um, virus which has been engineered at a genetic level to be helpful rather than harmful. Um, I find the best way to describe it is if you can… if you can imagine your body as a highway, and you picture the virus as a very fast car, um, being driven by a very bad man. Imagine the damage that car can cause. Then if you replace that man with a cop… the picture changes. And that’s essentially what we’ve done.
TV Personality: And how many people have you treated so far?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Well, we’ve had ten thousand and nine clinical trials in humans so far.
TV Personality: And how many are cancer-free?
Dr. Alice Krippin: Ten thousand and nine.
TV Personality: So you have actually cured cancer.
Dr. Alice Krippin: Yes, yes… yes, we have.

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Rita: The way things are going, if he gets any crazier, we might end up in the White House.
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God: Let it out, son. It’s the beginning of wisdom.
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God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
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Rita: If that comes out your front, I don’t even want to know what’s coming out the back.
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Evan Baxter: Make thee an ark of gopherwood. Gopherwood?
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Evan Baxter: SHEEEEEEEEEEEP!
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Eugene: I love you!… I mean, I think we should hang out socially… I have a new ping pong table.
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Rita: Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
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God: I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.
-
Rita: Have you been shootin’ up Rogaine?
-
God: How long you wanna do this son? I’ve got all eternity.
-
Evan Baxter: Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken! Joan, could we have chicken September 22nd midday?
-
Joan Baxter: Is that a lama… with a hammer?
-
Evan Baxter: These birds had a big meal earlier.
Rita: Want me to get my BB gun?
-
Evan Baxter: Do I know you?
God: Not as much as I’d like.
-
Reporter: What makes you think God chose you?
Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.
-
Evan Baxter: I can’t shave. Whenever I shave it just grows back!
Marty: That’s what happens when you shave. But then you shave again!
-
Joan Baxter: Maybe God meant a flood of ‘awareness.’
Evan Baxter: If that’s true, I’m going to be so pissed.
-
Evan Baxter: People! The flood is imminent!
Evan Baxter: Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?
-
Rita: Look, I go to church every Sunday.
Rita: Every “other” Sunday.
Rita: I’ve been to church!
-
Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?
Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don’t know.
Evan Baxter: Be great in case it floods or something…
-
Rita: Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Did you just come out of a coma?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Were you attacked by a werewolf?
Evan Baxter: No, I wasn’t.
Rita: Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you over-shot it.

-

-

-

Bruce: All the greatest anchors have had their signature sign-off, like Walter Cronkite. And that’s the way it was. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
-
Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I’m the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he’d rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
-

Bruce: Thank you, WKBW! Wimpy Kiddy Baby Whiners! That’s what that stands for! I’ll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news.

-
Bruce: Smite me, O mighty smiter!
-
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit bragging.
-
God: People want me to do everything for them. What they don’t realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.
-
God: “The gloves are off, God.”, “God has taken my bird and my bush.”, “God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.”, “Smite me, O Mighty Smiter.” Now, I’m not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.
-

Bruce: Okay, You win. I’m done. Please, I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna be God! I want You to decide what’s right for me! I surrender to your will!
-

Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber… Pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me
-
Grace: Oh, God.
Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
-
Bruce: What up with thee.
-
Stalled Car Guy: Well, thanks a million. God bless.
-
Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!
Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful… and do long division or something!
-
Grace: Oh, thank God you’re all right.
Bruce: Yeah, let’s thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that’s not rain!
-
Evan Baxter: Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight, after the game.
-
Bruce: Vol? Vol? You want a tissue or something? Can we get Vol a tissue… or a spoon?
-
Bruce: I saw it, and it was *good*!
-
Evan Baxter: Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
-
Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and… I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I’m sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
-
Bruce: I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done.
-
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How’s that?
God: Great… If you wanna be Miss America.
-
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don’t need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”… I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
-
Grace: Those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They’re a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them… todaisies.
-
Grace: So God is picking on you?
-
Grace: I’ve got a very rare blood type. I’m AB positive.
Bruce: Well I’m IB positive. I be positive they ain’t touching me with no needle.
-
God: No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
-
Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?
God: That’s your problem, Bruce. That’s everybody’s problem. You keep looking up.
-
Grace: It’s weird. I woke up this morning and I swear my boobs felt bigger. Do they look bigger to you?
Bruce: Bigger?
-
Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!
-
Bruce: Love me. Love me.
Grace: …I did.
-
Bruce: Okay, now you’re just showing off.
-
God: Allllllrighty then.
-
Grace: I’ve never seen the moon that big.
Bruce: We really shouldn’t waste it.
-
God: You can’t kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
-
God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn’t eat for three weeks.
-
Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.
God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
-
Bruce: It’s good. It’s goooooood!
-
Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?
God: Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.
-
Grace: Will you stop being such a martyr?
Bruce: I am not being a martyr. I’m the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I’m the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he’d rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!
-
Bruce: I’m Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose… Eyewitness Nose… that’s right!

-
Jack: You don’t want to be like Evan. Evan’s an asshole.
-
Bruce: God, why do you hate me?
-
Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let’s go back inside and have a shit.
-
Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
-
Bruce: Behind every great man… is a woman rolling her eyes
-
Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I’m here with Katherine Hepburn’s mom. Tell me, why did you toss the “blue heart of the ocean” jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
-
Bruce: I’m Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
-
Bruce: What is with that?
-
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
-
Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don’t like it? Megabyte me.
-
Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.
Jack: You did that in a day?
Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven…
-
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT’S a prayer.
-
Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?
Kid: Hey. You said “ass”.
Bruce: Yeah, but it’s ok if I’m talkin’ about a donkey.
-
Bruce: It’s a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite…
Bruce: PLEASURABLE!
-
Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize right?
Hood: Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you’ll get your sorry.
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that’s TODAY.
-
God: In a way, I’m here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.
Bruce: Whatever you say, pal.
-
Bruce: Good grief, is THAT what I’m driving?
Teen: Whoa! Nice car, man!
Bruce: Yeah… It gets me from A to B
-
Bruce: Where are you going?
God: I’m taking a vacation.
Bruce: God doesn’t take vacations. Does he?… Do… ye?
God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I’m covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
-
Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You’re kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.

-
Bruce: Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?
Day Care Kid: Hey, you said ass.
Bruce: Yeah, but it’s okay if I’m talking about a donkey.

-
Ally: They want you close to the falls.
Bruce: Really? I’m gonna get soaked.
Ally: That’s the point.

-
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I’m the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going…
God: Bruce… I’m God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says… God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well God, nice job on the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way: you *SUCK*!
-
Bruce: Come on come on… start!
[slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts]
Bruce: That was luck.
-
Bruce: Is this heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can’t now, being dead and all.
Bruce: I’m *dead*?
God: Naw, I’m just messing with ya.
Bruce: That’s not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.
-
Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in store. I say no is big chocolate chip. So we close store down, clean up, and make big cookie for to bring back customers
Bruce: Let’s try that again, shall we?
Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: And isn’t it nice to see all their smiling faces?
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

-

-

-

Tyler Durden: someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you are useless.

-

Tyler Durden: Little by little. You’re just letting yourself become… Tyler Durden!

-

Tyler Durden: The buildings are empty. Security and maintenance and all our people. We’re not killing anyone, man, we’re setting them free!

-

Tyler Durden: Hitting bottom is not a weekend-retreat, it’s not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying controlling everything and just let go. Let go!

-

Tyler Durden: That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love, well, it works both ways.

-

Tyler Durden: Tell him the liberator who destroyed my property has re-aligned my paradigm of perception.

-

Tyler Durden: I reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of material possession!

-

Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.

-

Tyler Durden: How much can you know about yourself, you’ve never been in a fight? I don’t wanna die without any scars.

-

Tyler Durden: Hey, even the Mona Lisa’s falling apart.

-

Tyler Durden: Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.

-

Jack: I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then, I ran some more.

-

Tyler Durden: Only after you’ve lost everything, are you free to do anything.

-

Jack: You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O’Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

-

Jack: This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.

-

Tyler Durden: Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let… lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.

-

Tyler Durden: Fight Club was the beginning, now it’s moved out of the basement, it’s called Project Mayhem.

-

Tyler Durden: Now, a question of etiquette - as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

-

Tyler Durden: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

-

Tyler Durden: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

-

Tyler Durden: Hey, you created me. I didn’t create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!

-

Jack: This is crazy…
Tyler Durden: People do it everyday, they talk to themselves… they see themselves as they’d like to be, they don’t have the courage you have, to just run with it.

-

Tyler Durden: All right, if the applicant is young, tell him he’s too young. Old, too old. Fat, too fat. If the applicant then waits for three days without food, shelter, or encouragement he may then enter and begin his training.

-

Jack: We have front row seats for this theater of mass destruction. The demolition committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In two minutes, primary charges will blow base charges and a few square blocks will be reduced to smoldering rubble. I know this… because Tyler knows this.

-

Robert ‘Bob’ Paulson: Go ahead, Cornelius, you can cry.

-

Marla Singer: Candy-stripe a cancer ward. It’s not my problem.

-

Marla Singer: I’ve got a stomachful of Xanax. I took what was left of a bottle. It might have been too much.

-

Marla Singer: Your whacked out bald freaks hit me with a fucking broom! They almost broke my arm! They we’re burning their fingertips with lye, the stink was unbelievable!

-

Tyler Durden: It’s getting exciting now, 2 and 1/2. Think of everything we’ve accomplished, man. Out these windows, we will view the collapse of financial history. One step closer to economic equilibrium.

-

Marla Singer: My God. I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.

-

Jack: I am Jack’s smirking revenge.

-

Tyler Durden: All the ways you wish you could be, that’s me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

-

Richard Chesler: Is that your blood?
Jack: Some of it, yeah.

-

Tyler Durden: In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

-

Jack: I felt like destroying something beautiful.

-

Tyler Durden: You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

-

Jack: When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake.

-

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

-

Jack: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

-

Tyler Durden: The first rule of Fight Club is - you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is - you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Third rule of Fight Club, someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule, one fight at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirt, no shoes. Seventh rule, fights will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.

-

Jack: [about the soap] Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.

-

Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.

-

Jack: [to Tyler, while looking at a Calvin Klein-esque ad on the bus] Is that what a real man is supposed to look like?

-

Tyler Durden: God Damn! We just had a near-life experience, fellas.

-

Tyler Durden: You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.
-

Tyler Durden: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

-

Jack: I am Jack’s cold sweat.

-

Jack: If I did have a tumor, I’d name it Marla.

-

Jack: I am Jack’s raging bile duct.

-

Jack: A guy who came to Fight Club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.

-

Jack: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

-

Jack: If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

-

Jack: And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.

-

Jack: [while brutally beating Angel Face] I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I’d never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.

-

Jack: [reading] I am Jack’s colon.
Tyler Durden: I get cancer, I kill Jack.

-

Jack: Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They’re single-serving friends.

-

Jack: I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

-

Tyler Durden: It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you’re sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car.
Jack: There’s always that.

-

Jack: Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME!
Jack: [voice-over] I’d like to thank the Academy…

-

Jack: I am Jack’s wasted life.

-

Jack: I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection.

-

Tyler Durden: Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that’s your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.

-
Jack: I am Jack’s broken heart.

-

Jack: Is Tyler my bad dream? Or am I Tyler’s?

-
Jack: Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.

-
Jack: Fight club wasn’t about winning or losing. It wasn’t about words. The hysterical shouting was in tongues, like at a Pentecostal Church.

-
Jack: I got in everyone’s hostile little face. Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I’m comfortable with that. I am enlightened.

-
Jack: You had to give it to him: he had a plan. And it started to make sense, in a Tyler sort of way. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.

-
Members of Fight Club: [chanting] His name is Robert Paulson.

-
Tyler Durden: [His face is soaked in blood. He is shaking it over Lou and screaming] You don’t know where I’ve been. You don’t know where I’ve been. Just let us have the basement Lou.

-
Jack: I flipped through catalogs and wondered: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?

-
Jack: Marla’s philosophy of life is that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn’t.

-
Jack: I can’t get married - I’m a thirty-year-old boy.

-
[to Jack who has just fired a warning shot into the window of an explosives filled van]
Tyler Durden: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Ok, you are now firing a gun at your ‘imaginary friend’ near 400 GALLONS OF NITROGLYCERINE!

-
Jack: Deja vu - all over again.

-
Tyler Durden: I’ll bring us through this. As always. I’ll carry you - kicking and screaming - and in the end you’ll thank me.

-
Jack: He was full of pep. Must’ve had his grande-latte enema.

-
Jack: Every evening I died, and every evening I was born again, resurrected.

-
Jack: We have just lost cabin pressure.

-
Police Officer: You said that if anyone ever interferes with Project Mayhem, even you, we gotta get his balls.

-
Jack: Tyler was now involved in a class action lawsuit against the Pressman Hotel over the urine content of their soup.

-
Tyler Durden: We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

-
Jack: When deep space exploration ramps up, it’ll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks.

-
Tyler Durden: Well you did lose a lot of versatile solutions for modern living

-
Jack: Bob is dead, they shot him in the head!
Tyler Durden: You wanna make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.

-
Jack: It’s called a changeover. The movie goes on, and nobody in the audience has any idea.

-
Tyler Durden: Now why would you want to put a gun to your head?
Jack: Not my head, Tyler. Our head.

-

Richard Chesler: The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club?
Jack: [Voice-over] I’m half asleep again; I must’ve left the original in the copy machine.
Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club - is this yours?
Jack: Huh?
Richard Chesler: Pretend you’re me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
Jack: [pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that… is dangerous.
Jack: And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Jack: [Voice-over] Tyler’s words coming out of my mouth.
Jack: [Voice-over] And I used to be such a nice guy.
Jack: Or maybe you shouldn’t bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.
[Phone rings]
Jack: [Into phone] Compliance and Liability…?
Jack: [to boss] Would you excuse me? I need to take this.

-

Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvee is?
Jack: It’s a comforter…
Tyler Durden: It’s a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvee is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?
Jack: …Consumers?
Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We’re the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession.

-

Tyler Durden: [pointing at an emergency instruction manual on a plane] You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?
Jack: So you can breath.
Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you’re taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It’s all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Jack: That’s, um… That’s an interesting theory.

-

Lou: [Lou hits Tyler in the face] Do you hear me now?
Tyler Durden: No I didn’t quite catch that Lou.
[Lou hits Tyler again]
Tyler Durden: Still not getting it.
[Lou hits Tyler a few more times]
Tyler Durden: Ok, I got it. Shit I lost it.

-

Jack: [Tyler steers the car into the opposite lane and accelerates] What are you doing?
Tyler Durden: Guys, what would you wish you’d done before you died?
Steph: Paint a self-portrait.
The Mechanic: Build a house.
Tyler Durden: [to Narrator] And you?
Jack: I don’t know. Turn the wheel now, come on!
Tyler Durden: You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
Jack: I don’t know, I wouldn’t feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!
Tyler Durden: Not good enough.

-

[Tyler points a gun into Jack’s mouth]
Jack: [voiceover] People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.
Tyler Durden: Three minutes. This is it - ground zero. Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?
Jack: …i… ann… iinn… ff… nnyin…
Jack: [voiceover] With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.
[Tyler removes the gun from the Narrator’s mouth]
Jack: I can’t think of anything.
Jack: [voiceover] For a second I totally forgot about Tyler’s whole controlled demolition thing and I wonder how clean that gun is.

-

Tyler Durden: Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?
Jack: mumbles…
Tyler Durden: I’m sorry…
Jack: I still can’t think of anything.
Tyler Durden: Ah… flashback humor.

-

Tyler Durden: Did you know if you mixed equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?
Jack: No. I did not know that. Is that true?
Tyler Durden: That’s right; one can make all kinds of explosives using simple household items…
Jack: Really?
Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.

-

Tyler Durden: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God’s unwanted children? So be it!
Jack: OK. Give me some water!
Tyler Durden: Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse or…
[shouts]
Tyler Durden: look at me… or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn.
Jack: Please let me have it… *Please*!
Tyler Durden: First you have to give up, first you have to *know*… not fear… *know*… that someday you’re gonna die.

-

Jack: Tyler, what the fuck is going on here?
Tyler Durden: I ask you for one thing, one simple thing.
Jack: Why do people think that I’m you? Answer me!
Tyler Durden: Sit.
Jack: Now answer me, why do people think that I’m you.
Tyler Durden: I think you know.
Jack: No, I don’t.
Tyler Durden: Yes, you do. Why would anyone possibly confuse you with me?
Jack: Uh… I… I don’t know.
[Random flashbacks]
Tyler Durden: You got it.
Jack: No.
Tyler Durden: Say it.
Jack: Because…
Tyler Durden: Say it.
Jack: Because we’re the same person.
Tyler Durden: That’s right.

-

Jack: Oh, it’s late. Hey, thanks for the beer.
Tyler Durden: Yeah, man.
Jack: I should find a hotel.
Tyler Durden: [in disbelief] What?
Jack: What?
Tyler Durden: A hotel?
Jack: Yeah.
Tyler Durden: Just ask, man.
Jack: What are you talking about?
Tyler Durden: [laughs] Three pitchers of beer, and you still can’t ask.
Jack: What?
Tyler Durden: You call me because you need a place to stay.
Jack: Oh, hey, no, no, no, I didn’t mean…
Tyler Durden: Yes, you did. So just ask. Cut the foreplay and just ask.
Jack: Would - would that be a problem?
Tyler Durden: Is it a problem for you to ask?
Jack: Can I stay at your place?
Tyler Durden: Yeah.

-

Jack: Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you?
Tyler Durden: C’mon, do me this one favor.
Jack: Why?
Tyler Durden: Why? I don’t know why; I don’t know. Never been in a fight. You?
Jack: No, but that’s a good thing.
Tyler Durden: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself, you’ve never been in a fight? I don’t wanna die without any scars. So come on; hit me before I lose my nerve.
Jack: This is crazy.
Tyler Durden: o go crazy. Let ‘er rip.
Jack: I don’t know about this.
Tyler Durden: I don’t either. Who gives a shit? No one’s watching. What do you care?
Jack: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to hit you?
Tyler Durden: That’s right.
Jack: What, like in the face?
Tyler Durden: Surprise me.
Jack: This is so fucking stupid…
[Jack swings, connects against Tyler’s head]
Tyler Durden: Motherfucker! You hit me in the ear!
Jack: Well, Jesus, I’m sorry.
Tyler Durden: Ow, Christ… why the ear, man?
Jack: Guess I fucked it up…
Tyler Durden: No, that was perfect!

-
Tyler Durden: OK: any historic figure.
Jack: I’d fight Gandhi.
Tyler Durden: Good answer.
Jack: How about you?
Tyler Durden: Lincoln.
Jack: Lincoln?
Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight ’til they’re burger.

-

Jack: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don’t do one.
Business woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?
Jack: You wouldn’t believe.
Business woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?
Jack: A major one.

-

Tyler Durden: [while burning the Narrator’s hand with lye] Shut up! Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?
Jack: No, no, I… don’t…
Tyler Durden: Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.
Jack: It isn’t?
Tyler Durden: We don’t need him!

-

Marla Singer: There are things about you that I like. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re… spectacular in bed… But you’re intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help.
Jack: I know, and I’m sorry…
Marla Singer: Yeah, you’re sorry, I’m sorry, everybody’s sorry, but… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. And I won’t. I’m gone.

-

Jack: He was *the* guerilla terrorist in the food service industry.
[Jack looks at Tyler, who’s urinating in a pot]
Tyler Durden: Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.
Jack: Apart from seasoning the lobster bisque, he farted on the meringue, sneezed on braised endive, and as for the cream of mushroom soup, well…
Tyler Durden: [snickers] Go ahead. Tell ‘em.
Jack: …you get the idea.

-

Jack: I’ll tell you: we’ll split up the week, okay? You take lymphoma, and tuberculosis…
Marla Singer: You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn’t go over at all.
Jack: Okay, good, fine. Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think.
Marla Singer: Well, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls.
Jack: You’re kidding.
Marla Singer: I don’t know… am I?
Jack: No, no! What do you want?
Marla Singer: I’ll take the parasites.
Jack: You can’t have both the parasites, but while you take the blood parasites…
Marla Singer: I want brain parasites.
Jack: I’ll take the blood parasites. But I’m gonna take the organic brain dementia, okay?
Marla Singer: I want that.
Jack: You can’t have the whole brain, that’s…
Marla Singer: So far you have four, I only have two!
Jack: Okay. Take both the parasites. They’re yours. Now we both have three…

-
Jack: Was it ticking?
Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don’t worry about ticking ’cause modern bombs don’t tick.
Jack: Sorry, throwers?
Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
Jack: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it’s an electric razor, but every once in a while…
Airport Security Officer: it’s a dildo. Of course it’s company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo… always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
Jack: I don’t own…

-
Tyler Durden: The salt balance has to be just right, so the best fat for making soap comes from humans.
Jack: Wait. What is this place?
Tyler Durden: A liposuction clinic.

-
Marla Singer: I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.
Jack: It was worth every penny.
Marla Singer: It’s a bridesmaid’s dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it’s on the side of the road.
Marla Singer: Tinsel still clinging to it. Like a sex crime victim. Underwear inside out. Bound with electrical tape.
Jack: Well, then it suits you.
Marla Singer: You can borrow it sometime.

-
Jack: What are we doing tonight?
Tyler Durden: Tonight? We make soap.
Jack: Really.
Tyler Durden: To make soap, first we render fat.

-
Jack: Hello?
Tyler Durden: [Eating breakfast cereal] Who is this?
Jack: Tyler?
Tyler Durden: Who is this?
Jack: Uh… we met… we met on the airplane. We had the same suitcase. Uh… the clever guy?
Tyler Durden: Oh yeah, right.
[Snickers]
Tyler Durden: Ok?
Jack: I called a second ago, th - there was no answer, I’m at the payphone…
Tyler Durden: - yeah, I *69ed you, I never pick up my phone.
[Crunch, crunch]
Tyler Durden: So what’s up, huh?
Jack: Uh, well… You’re not gonna believe this…

-
Jack: You’re making a big mistake, fellas!
Police Officer: You said you would say that.
Jack: I’m not Tyler Durden!
Police Officer: You told us you’d say that, too.
Jack: All right then, I’m Tyler Durden. Listen to me, I’m giving you a direct order. We’re aborting this mission right now.
Police Officer: You said you would definitely say that.

-

-

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: The contents of your safety deposit box, Mr. Smith, have vanished.

-

Mr. Earl Brooks: You see that, Marshall? That’s why I didn’t want to do the dance couple.
Marshall: Stop your fucking whining, Earl. You enjoyed doing that couple just as much as I did, and look at the bright side - he came to us. He didn’t go to the cops. If he tries to shake us down, we kill him. Period. We make it fun, but we kill him! End of story.

-
Detective Tracy Atwood: Jesse, you know what would make me feel really safe right now? If you got hit by a truck and died!

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: Don’t worry. If I were here to kill you, you would already be dead. After you left today, I realized that our friendship was a little one-sided. So tomorrow night when we meet, if you’d be so kind as to bring all the pictures and the memory card from your camera. That way we could like each other simply for who we are. If you don’t show up, I will presume that you’ve gone to the police, and I will kill you. Even if I go to jail because of you, Mr. Smith, someone will find you, wherever you are, and they will kill you.

-
Marshall: For all the taxes we pay, you’d think they’d make it more difficult to hack into the police personnel file.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: Finding someone you think would be fun to kill is a bit like, well it’s a bit like falling in love. You meet a lot of candidates, and you like some of them, and they’re nice. But they’re not right. And that special one comes along, and your heart beats faster, and you know that’s the one.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: If I were here to kill you, you would already be dead.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: Would it bother you to kill a woman?
Mr. Smith: No. No, an asshole’s an asshole.

-
Marshall: Even if that guy was charming and funny, I still wouldn’t like him.

-
Marshall: Let the police put Jane in jail. Hopefully that will save her. And we can happily go on with our tortured lives.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: Maybe I should drive over there and pick him up.
Marshall: No, just honk. Maybe he’ll get killed crossing the street. Save us the mess of doing it.
[Both start laughing. Then, Mr. Brooks honks the horn and Mr. Smith nearly gets hit by a car while crossing]
Mr. Earl Brooks: Almost.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannont change, the courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: Before I was the Thumbprint Killer, Mr. Smith, I killed a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

-
Marshall: Why do you fight it, Earl?

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: You always want to invest in things people can’t do without. Water and cemeteries… pretty safe bets.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: I don’t enjoy killing, Mr. Smith. I do it because I’m addicted to it.

-
Marshall: Don’t kid yourself, Earl. You’re going to kill again.

-
Mr. Earl Brooks: [talking about Jane] Well, we were right. She was hiding something.
Marshall: Pregnant’s not all of it. She’s hiding something, bigger. Something much bigger.
Mr. Earl Brooks: You think so?
Marshall: I know so… and so do you.

-
Marshall: She did it, didn’t she?
Mr. Earl Brooks: Yeah. It’ll take the cops a week to ten days to put their case together, and then… and then they will come back and arrest her.
Marshall: What are you going to do?
Mr. Earl Brooks: Oh, God. Oh, God. I was afraid of this since before she was born. She has… she has what I have.
Marshall: Yes, she does. But you were always smart about it. She was stupid. She did it because she got off okay, I understand. She’s in it for fun - okay, I understand. But why didn’t she think it through? A hatchet? And she left it there.

-
Mr. Smith: What are we doing here, tonight?
Mr. Earl Brooks: We drive around until we see someone we think we might enjoy killing…
Mr. Smith: Can it be somebody that I know?
Mr. Earl Brooks: [laughs] No. You never kill someone you know. It’s the easiest way to get caught.

-

Mr. Earl Brooks: How did you find me, Mr. Smith?
Mr. Smith: You’re “Man of the Year”, Mr. Brooks.
Mr. Smith: You’re picture’s in the paper. And if it hadn’t had been, I don’t know. I don’t know what I would’ve done.
Mr. Earl Brooks: Lucky me. What is it that I can help you with?
Mr. Smith: I’ve been watching that couple for months. Yeah, they like to make love with the blinds open. Sometimes I would take pictures; visual aids for later. It’s a great way to get off, I’ll tell you that. It was fun, I thought, until I saw you kill them. And I have never, ever, felt a… a… rush that like, ever. I know you’re the Thumbprint Killer. You’ve done this before. What I want… is for you, to take me with you next time you kill someone. And I’d like that to be soon.
Marshall: [sarcastically] And you were worried that this was going to be unpleasant? The answer is simple. Just tell Mr. Smith that you decided never to kill again, and he’ll go away.
Mr. Earl Brooks: You enjoy watching me suffer, don’t you?
Marshall: In a word, yes.
Mr. Earl Brooks: Where do you think he has the other pictures?
Marshall: He put them in a safety deposit box. But I’ll bet the box is at the bank where he keeps his checking account. The key… is on his key chain! He really wants to do this. He’s not going to the cops.

-

-

-

Christopher McCandless: I read somewhere… how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong… but to feel strong.

-

Christopher McCandless: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.

-
Christopher McCandless: Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.

-
Christopher McCandless: I’m supertramp.
Christopher McCandless: and you’re super apple!

-
Christopher McCandless: If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.

-
Christopher McCandless: The core of mans’ spirit comes from new experiences.

-
Christopher McCandless: What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?

-
Ranger Steve Koehler: Next available is May 17, 2003.
Christopher McCandless: 12 years? Twelve years - to paddle down a river?

-
Ron Franz: When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines upon you.

-
Christopher McCandless: Mr. Franz I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don’t want one.

-
Christopher McCandless: When you want something in life, you just gotta reach out and grab it.

-
Christopher McCandless: If I wanted to paddle down the river, where’s the best place to launch out of?
Ranger Steve Koehler: To *launch* out of?

-
Christopher McCandless: [written into book] Happiness only real when shared.

-
Christopher McCandless: You are the apple of my eye.

-
Christopher McCandless: You don’t need human relationships to be happy, God has placed it all around us.

-
Wayne Westerberg: Outdoorsman. What’s your fascination with all that stuff?
Christopher McCandless: I’m going to Alaska.
Wayne Westerberg: Alaska, Alaska? Or city Alaska? Because they do have markets in Alaska. The city of Alaska. Not in Alaska. In the city of Alaska, they have markets.
Christopher McCandless: No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I’m gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no fucking watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.
Wayne Westerberg: In the wild.
Christopher McCandless: Just wild!
Wayne Westerberg: Yeah. What are you doing when we’re there? Now you’re in the wild, what are we doing?
Christopher McCandless: You’re just living, man. You’re just there, in that moment, in that special place and time. Maybe when I get back, I can write a book about my travels.
Wayne Westerberg: Yeah. Why not?
Christopher McCandless: You know, about getting out of this sick society. Society!
Wayne Westerberg: Society! Society!
Christopher McCandless: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don’t understand? I don’t understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn’t make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just…
Wayne Westerberg: What “people” we talking about?
Christopher McCandless: You know, parents, hypocrites, politicians, pricks.
Wayne Westerberg: This is a mistake. It’s a mistake to get too deep into all that kind of stuff. Alex, you’re a hell of a young guy, a hell of a young guy. But I promise you this. You’re a young guy! Can’t be juggling blood and fire all the time!

-

-

-

John Constantine: Angels and Demons can’t cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon’s touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bullshit.

-
Satan: Hello, John. John, hello. You’re the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
John Constantine: So I’ve heard.

-
Satan: Sonny, I’ve got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Well, aren’t you a peach?

-
Angela Dodson: Well, this has been real educational… but I don’t believe in the devil.
John Constantine: You should. He believes in you.

-
Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine: God’s a kid with an ant farm, lady. He’s not planning anything.

-
John Constantine: I did tell you to move the car.
Chaz: Yeah, well if you’d have told me that there was going to be a 300 pound mirror with a pissed off demon inside it falling from a window, I would’ve moved it further, John.

-

Angela Dodson: Oh, God. Oh, God, all those people. Oh, Isobel. I’ve always known… I’ve always known where they are. I’ve always known where to find them, where to… where to aim and where to duck, and I’ve always known where they were. I’ve always known that it wasn’t luck. Always known that it wasn’t luck. I’ve always known… I’ve always known that I could see.

-
Angela Dodson: I always denied I could see.

-
Angela Dodson: When we were girls, we would leave each other messages in light… and breath… on the windows.

-
Midnite: You know the rules of my house.
Midnite: While here you *will* abide by them.

-
Angela Dodson: Hold the door. You going down?
John Constantine: Not if I can help it.

-
John Constantine: [choking] Smile pretty, you vain prick!

-
John Constantine: I know I’m not one of your favorites, and I’m not welcomed in your house, but I could really use some attention.

-
Midnite: [laughing, to John, regarding Chas] Take him, John. Kill him after.

-
Title Card: “He who possesses the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the world in his hands.”
Title Card: The Spear of Destiny has been missing since the end of World War II.
-
Gabriel: You want revenge? Go ahead. I deserve it. Pull the trigger.
Gabriel: It’s your choice, John. It’s always been your choice.

-
John Constantine: That’s called pain.
John Constantine: Get used to it.

-
Gabriel: Lucifer!
Satan: This world is mine - in time.

-
John Constantine: [dying, holds up cigarettes] Do you mind?
Satan: Oh, go - go right ahead; I’ve got stock.
John Constantine: Coffin nail…
Satan: Very fitting, John.

-
Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She… jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: I thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn’t have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That’s just crazy.

-
Midnite: I heard thunder last night. Must have been Satan’s stomach growling.

-
Balthazar: Fire? I was born of this!

-
Gabriel: [as Gabriel falls from God’s grace] Father!

-
Gabriel: I shall smite thee, in His honour.
Satan: Looks like someone doesn’t have your back any more.

-
Balthazar: Word is that you’re on your way down. Fresh meat.
Balthazar: Finger lickin’ good.

-
Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn’t *try* anything.

-
John Constantine: This is Constantine. John Constantine. Asshole.

-
John Constantine: Welcome to my life.

-
John Constantine: Detective, what if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
Angela Dodson: I’d tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.
-
John Constantine: Heaven and hell are right here, behind every wall, every window, the world behind the world. And we’re smack in the middle.

-
John Constantine: Come on, you don’t need His protection. It’ll be like back in the day.

-
Angela Dodson: So, do I have to take the rest of my clothes off or can I leave them on?
Angela Dodson: John?
John Constantine: I’m thinking…

-
Gabriel: You’re going to die young because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15… and you’re going to go to hell because of the life you took.
Gabriel: You’re fucked.

-
Chas Chandler: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?
John Constantine: You’re not my slave, Chas, you’re my very appreciated apprentice, like Tonto, or Robin, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend.

-
Midnite: Tell me this isn’t about the girl?
John Constantine: Definitely, mostly not about the girl.

-
Midnite: Are you sure about this?
John Constantine: No.

-
Chas Chandler: Who’s the rat in the dress now, huh, bitch?

-
John Constantine: Hi, my name’s John. You are in violation of the balance.
John Constantine: Leave immediately or I will deport you. All of you.
John Constantine: Go to hell.
Ellie: Holy water?

-
Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Most unclean!
Satan: I do miss the old names.

-
Satan: No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live so will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live…

-
Satan: So what do you want? An extension?

-
John Constantine: Is this neutral? Bullshit! You’re the only one still playing by the rules, Midnite, and while you are people are dying.
John Constantine: I need your help! Consider it a last request.
Midnite: You play a dangerous game.
John Constantine: Two hundred dollar shirt, by the way.

-
Angela Dodson: Well, I thought with your background, you could at least point me in the right direction?
John Constantine: Yeah, okay. Sure.

-
John Constantine: Officially, I was dead for two minutes… but when you cross over, time stops. Take it from me, two minutes in hell is a lifetime.

-
John Constantine: He always had a rotten sense of humor. And his punchlines are killers.

-
Midnite: That little shit has been trying to crawl out of his father’s shadow for eons. I’d hate to think what he would do to this world if he ever broke through.

-
Midnite: How many years has it been since you’ve surfed?
John Constantine: Like riding a bike.
Midnite: No, not really.

-
Angela Dodson: Look, I’ve heard your name around the precinct. I know the circles you travel in. The occult, demonology, exorcisms. Just before my sister was committed, she became deeply paranoid. She started talking about demons, angels. Now, I think someone got to her, Mr. Constantine. I think they brainwashed her into stepping off that roof. Some kind of legion or cult.
John Constantine: Sounds like a theory, detective. Good luck

-
John Constantine: Close your eyes.
Angela Dodson: Why?
John Constantine: Suit yourself.
John Constantine: Demons stay in hell, huh? Tell them that.

-
John Constantine: When I was a kid, I could see things. Things humans aren’t supposed to see. Things you shouldn’t have to see.

-
John Constantine: You don’t walk off the roof of a building, without leaving something behind.

-
Angela Dodson: I need to see what she saw. Please.
John Constantine: You do this, there’s no turning back. You see them… They see you. Understand?
Angela Dodson: Yeah.

-
Angela Dodson: John, there is no seventeenth act in Corinthians.
John Constantine: Corinthians goes to twenty one acts in the Bible in Hell.
Angela Dodson: They have bibles in Hell?
John Constantine: Paints a different view of Revelations. Says the world will not end by God’s hand, but be reborn in the embrace of the damned. Though if you ask me, fire’s fire.

-
Balthazar: That’s better. Au naturel.

-
John Constantine: Jesus didn’t die from being nailed to a cross. He was killed by a soldier’s spear.
Angela Dodson: The Spear of Destiny. I’m a Catholic, John. I know the Crucifixion story.

-
John Constantine: It’s not always like it is in the books.

-
John Constantine: Into the light, I command thee. Into the light, I command thee. Into the light, I command thee. Into the light, I command thee.

-
Gabriel: Your ego is astounding.
John Constantine: Gabriel. Figures. “And the wicked shall inherit the Earth”.
Gabriel: You judging me now, John?
John Constantine: Betrayal, murder, genocide, call me provincial.

-
John Constantine: Close your eyes. And whatever happens, don’t look.

-
John Constantine: Why me, Gabriel? It’s personal, isn’t it? I didn’t go to church enough, I didn’t pray enough, I… I was five bucks short in the collection plate. Why?

-
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell. I don’t get them all, but I’ve been hoping to get enough to ensure my… retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don’t understand.
John Constantine: I’m a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I’ve got just one place to go…
Angela Dodson: You’re trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?

-
John Constantine: Word is that kid of yours is a chip off the old block.
Satan: Well, one does what one can.
John Constantine: He’s in the other room.
Satan: Boys will be boys.
John Constantine: With Gabriel.
Satan: No accounting for taste, really.

-
John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: “They have the Spear of Destiny!”
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
John Constantine: You’ve waited twenty years for me, Lu. What’s another twenty seconds?

-

Angela Dodson: So, umm… So, what’s going to happen?
John Constantine: Lie down.
Angela Dodson: What do you mean, lie down?
John Constantine: You have to be fully submerged.
Angela Dodson: For how long?
John Constantine: As long as it takes.
Angela Dodson: Okay.
John Constantine: Take a deep one.

-
John Constantine: I need you to leave…
Angela Dodson: Okay.
John Constantine: …the apartment.
Angela Dodson: Be careful with that cat.
John Constantine: God, I hate this part.

-
Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I’m reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven. I’d love to be a fly on that wall.
Balthazar: You’re not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine: Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shithole.
John Constantine: Okay, Bally, enjoy it.
John Constantine: May God have mercy on you, and grant you the pardon of all your sins. Whosesoever sins you remit on Earth, they are remitted unto them in Heaven.
John Constantine: How’s he doing it?
Balthazar: No… I can’t.
John Constantine: Grant your child entry into thy kingdom! In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit! Ame-!
Balthazar: Sangre de Dio! The blood of God…
John Constantine: He found it.
Balthazar: That which took ended the life of the Son of God… shall give birth to the Son of the Devil.
John Constantine: By the way… you have to *ask* for absolution to be forgiven… asshole.

-

Gabriel: You’re handed this precious gift, right? Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator - murderers, rapists, molesters - all of you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. In all the worlds and all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man. It’s not fair.
Gabriel: If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. But it’s only in the face of horror that you truly find your noble self. And you can be so noble. So… I will bring you pain, I will bring you horror. So that you may rise above it. So that those of you who will survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God’s love.
John Constantine: Gabriel, you’re insane!
Gabriel: The road to salvation begins tonight. Right now.

-
John Constantine: A demon just attacked me out in the open on Figueroa.
Midnite: They don’t like you John. How many have you sent back to hell in pieces?
John Constantine: I’m not talking about some angry half-breed Midnite. I mean a full fledged demon. Here… on our plane.
Midnite: Clearly, I do not have to remind you that that is impossible.
John Constantine: And yesterday, I pulled a soldier demon out of a little girl…
Midnite: Listen, John. Demons stay in hell… angels in heaven. The great detente of the original superpowers.

-

-

-

King Leonidas: The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and before this battle was over, that even a god-king can bleed.

-
King Leonidas: Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast, for tonight we dine in Hell!

-
Xerxes: There will be no glory in your sacrifice. I will erase even the memory of Sparta from the histories. Every piece of Greek parchment shall be burned. Every Greek historian and every scribe shall have their eyes put out and their tongues cut from their mouths. Uttering the name of Sparta or Leonidas will be punishable by death. The world will never know you existed at all.

-
King Leonidas: You have many slaves, Xerxes, but few warriors. It won’t be long before they fear my spears more than your whips.

-
Dilios: Immortals… we put their name to the test.

-
Persian Officer: SPARTANS! Lay down your weapons!
King Leonidas: Persians…COME AND GET THEM!

-
Xerxes: Imagine what horrible fate awaits my enemies when I would gladly kill any of my own men for victory.
King Leonidas: And I would die for any of mine.

-
Dilios: Now, as then, a beast approaches, patient and confident, savoring the meal to come.

-
Persian Emissary: This is madness!
King Leonidas: Madness? This is Sparta!

-
King Leonidas: We’re in for one wild night.

-
King Leonidas: We Spartans have descended from Hercules himself. Taught never to retreat, never to surrender. Taught that death in the battlefield is the greatest glory he could achieve in his life.
Spartans: the finest soldiers the world has ever known

-
Dilios: Xerxes betrays a fatal flaw: Hubris. Easy to taunt, easy to trick. The mad king throws the best he has at us before war wounds and weariness have set in.

-
Dilios: Taught never to retreat, never to surrender. Taught that death in the battlefield is the greatest glory he could achieve in his life. Spartans: the finest soldiers the world has ever known.

-
Dilios: Hundreds left, a handful stayed, only one looked back.

-
Persian: My arm.
Stelios: It’s not yours, anymore!

-
Queen Gorgo: Your lips can finish what your fingers have started.
Queen Gorgo: Or has the Oracle robbed you of your desire as well?
King Leonidas: It would take more than the words than a drunken adolesent girl to rob me of my desire of you.

-
King Leonidas: Besides, there is no reason we can’t be civil, is there?
Captain: None, Sir.

-
Stelios: It is an honor to die at your side.
King Leonidas: It is an honor to have lived at yours.

-
Stelios: What the hell are you laughing at?
Astinos: Well, you had to say it!
Stelios: What?
Astinos: “Fight in the shade”!
[both laugh]

-
Stelios: Our ancestors built this wall using ancient stones from the bosom of Greece herself. And with a little Spartan help, your Persian scouts supplied the mortar.

-
Dilios: “Remember us.” As simple an order as a king can give. “Remember why we died.” For he did not wish tribute, nor song, nor monuments nor poems of war and valor. His wish was simple. “Remember us,” he said to me. That was his hope, should any free soul come across that place, in all the countless centuries yet to be. May all our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, “Go tell the Spartans, passerby, that here by Spartan law, we lie.”

-
Dilios: It’s been more than thirty years since the wolf and the winter cold. And now, as then, it is not fear that grips him, only restlessness. A heightened sense of things. The seaborn breeze, coolly, kissing the sweat at his chest and neck. Gulls cawing, complaining, even as they feast on the thousands of floating dead. The steady breathing of the 300 at his back, ready to die for him without a moment’s pause. Everyone of them ready, to die.

-
Stelios: We are with you, sire! For Sparta, for freedom, to the death!

-
King Leonidas: Children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law. And by Spartan law we will stand and fight… and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and all will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it!

-
Dilios: They have served the dark will of Persian kings for five hundred years. Eyes as dark as night… teeth filed to fangs… soulless. The personal guard to King Xerxes himself; the Persian warrior elite. The deadliest fighting force in all of Asia… the Immortals.

-
Xerxes: Come Leonidas, let us reason together. It would be a regrettable waste. It would be nothing short of madness for you, brave king, and your valiant troops to perish. All because of a simple misunderstanding. There is much our cultures could share.
King Leonidas: Haven’t you noticed? We’ve been sharing our culture with you all morning.

-
King Leonidas: Dilios, I trust that “scratch” hasn’t made you useless.
Dilios: Hardly, my lord, it’s just an eye. The gods saw fit to grace me with a spare.

-
Xerxes: You Greeks take pride in your logic. I suggest you employ it. Consider the beautiful land you so vigorously defend. Picture it reduced to ash at my whim! Consider the fate of your women!
Spartan King Leonidas: Clearly you don’t know our women! I might as well have marched them up here, judging by what I’ve seen.

-
Dilios: “Goodbye my love.” He doesn’t say it. There’s no room for softness… not in Sparta. No place for weakness. Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartans. Only the hard, only the strong.

-
King Leonidas: My Queen! My wife. My love…

-
Astinos: You still here?
Stelios: Somebody’s gotta watch your back.
Astinos: Not now, I’m a little busy!

-
Dilios: The captain’s cries of pain at the loss of his son are more frightening to the enemy than the deepest battle drums. It takes three men to restrain him and bring him back to our own.

-
King Leonidas: This is where we fight! This is where they die!
Captain: On these shields