Half Baked is a very funny pot head comedy about 3 friends efforts to raise enough money to get their dear friend Kenny out of jail.
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Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on ‘em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny Davis: That’s it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me that thing we used to eat back in the day? It came in a box. What was it… oh yeah, pussy.
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Thurgood Jenkins: Don’t get me wrong, I love weed. I LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy. The end.
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Kenny Davis: You guys gotta get me out of here! There’s this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I’m his bitch!
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Cocaine Addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that’s an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?
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The Guy on the Couch: Hey, is it January?
Thurgood Jenkins: No, it’s August.
The Guy on the Couch: Really?
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Thurgood Jenkins: So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.
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Thurgood Jenkins: Abba Zabba, you my only friend.
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Kenny: I didn’t know that horse was a diabetic!
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Scarface: Don’t worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is…
Brian: …Fucking impossible, man!
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Thurgood Jenkins: I’m sorry, yo. I don’t wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!
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Thurgood Jenkins: Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you’re interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something…
Scarface: OOH! MOTHER FUCKER SAID ICE CREAM!
Brian: BLAH BLAH ICE CREAM! YOU’RE SUCH A DORK, MAN!
Thurgood Jenkins: Damn!
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Thurgood Jenkins: You know I got some weed at work today, if y’all wanna try it out.
Scarface: Nah, we don’t feel like smokin right now.
Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y’all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I’ll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn’t be right. Get Wesley Pipes.
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Kenny: In eleven days I’m as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?
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Brian: Hey, Jan… will you be my girlfriend?
Jan: Well, I would, but I’m gay.
Brian: Oh. What’s that like?
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Thurgood Jenkins: The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around, especially when it comes to reefer.
McGayver Friend: Hey, man, we’re out of papers.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
McGayver Friend: We don’t have a corkscrew.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.
McGayver Smoker: Trust me, bro. I’ve made bongs with less. Hurry up!
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Thurgood Jenkins: This money is not for spending, it’s for saving! Kenny’s sweet virgin ass! You guys spend one more dime I swear I will *bitch*slap you! Gimme that!
Thurgood Jenkins: I’m sorry for yelling.
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Scarface: Yo, that shit must be good, B. My boy hasn’t coughed like that since back in the day yo!
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Employee: [speaking into microphone] One Heffer with cheese.
Scarface: You son of a bitch, I’m right behind you! Turn around and ASK me for a Heffer with cheese, yo! Why you gotta make me feel inferior because I’m workin’ the grill, B? Damn!
Employee: …sorry.
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Thurgood Jenkins: Smoke-Alot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous, he told me about his lawyer…
Sir-Smoke-Alot: He had sex with my momma! Why?
Thurgood Jenkins: Spirituality…
Sir-Smoke-Alot: God, if you listenin’, help!…
Thurgood Jenkins: His bad back…
Sir-Smoke-Alot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy.
Thurgood Jenkins: His love life…
Sir-Smoke-Alot: I’m impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!
Thurgood Jenkins: I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
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